IV. What are the choices of gratitude and savouring exercises?

Gratitude Journaling

Gratitude journaling can help you keep track of the things you have in your life you should grateful for, whether they are special moments, prized possessions or close relationships.

Keeping a journal to track events you feel thankful for may seem awkward at first as you may not know what or who it is you should be grateful for, but give it a try. What brings you a sense of gratitude is entirely personal to you, and will give you a spark of happiness that will go a long way to combat stress or anxiety.

Researchers on happiness have pointed out a number of useful gratitude journaling techniques. There are other alternatives if you are not too keen on writing. Some useful options below will put you on the right track to becoming grateful about your life. The point is to recognise those moments, things or people that you are thankful for, and to acknowledge them on a regular basis.

Instructions:

You can use any of these gratitude journaling exercises to identify and be thankful for what is positive in your life and find the one that is most suitable for you. You can choose to write, talk or pray. What is important is that you do it regularly. It can be once a day or once a week. Give yourself a regular dose of happiness!

Options for Gratitude Journaling include:

• Three Blessings: Take time to write 3 things you can be thankful for each day, whether big or small, about an event, a relationship, or something special.
• Weekly Gratitude Journaling: Once a week, write about 5 things that occurred during the past week which made you feel grateful.
• Prayer: If you are not very keen to write, try praying instead. You can use the prayer time to identify things or moments you are grateful for in your life and give thanks to the people who have helped you.
• Verbal Gratitude Affirmation: Instead of writing 3 blessings each day, set aside a time to focus on or voice three things that made you feel grateful.

Gratitude Visits and Altruism (Selflessness)

Gratitude visits take you a step further by sharing your gratitude with the people to whom you were grateful.  Many of the things from which we find happiness today involved the help, support and mentoring we received from others, and occasionally we can forget about this help and support, and lose sight of the positive benefits we gain from doing something for others. By giving thanks in person, you are sharing the happiness and fostering the “snowball effect” of gratitude so others can feel happiness as well.

Instructions:

There are a number of ways you can express the gratitude you have for others, and to spread happiness from the actions you take and the activities you do. Much like gratitude journaling, you can select the type of gratitude visit that is most suitable for you:

• Gratitude Letter: Write a letter thanking someone who has helped or mentored you in the past and mail it to him or her. The gratitude you express can bring you happiness, and convey your feelings to the person you are thanking.

• Gratitude Visit: For an even greater benefit, deliver your thanks in person. Their reaction of happiness becomes a shared experience, and a positive memory you can savour and cherish for the future.

• Remembering Kindness: In addition to gratitude journaling, you can also write down 3 good deeds you did for others without expecting anything in return. Much like the happiness you get from writing a letter to someone who helped or supported you, writing about your compassionate deeds is like a pat on the back to yourself for the positiveness you provided others.

Forgiveness

Bitterness and resentment about past pain or trauma, especially inflicted by our loved ones, can be difficult to deflect or to let go. When you do let go, your mind is freed to make room for more positive events which bring pleasure and increase the levels of happiness.

Take Nelson Mandela as an example, who eventually became president of this country - a person who has shown a great deal of forgiveness and who has reaped its benefits as a result. He was imprisoned for 20 years for fighting against racism in South Africa and instead of feeling resentful for having been wrongfully imprisoned, which he had every right to feel that way, he used his way of forgiveness to help reform and inspire South Africa to acknowledge its wrong doings and, as a result, helped millions of other people. His ability to let go of negative things and desire for constructive progress put him on a more positive path than what his experience should have demanded.

Hanneke Coates wrote for the Forgiveness Project, a website dedicated to sharing stories of people’s forgiveness despite having endured the most difficult experiences. She wrote of being imprisoned by the Japanese in an internment camp for Indonesian prisoners of war during World War II. She spent 3 years in camps designed to house women and children under the worst possible conditions and watched many of her fellow prisoners die from tropical diseases, malnutrition, lack of medical treatment, and neglect. She and other prisoners were humiliated on a regular basis. Hanneke carried this feeling of humiliation even after she was released from the internment camp, she was trapped in an abusive marriage. After 40 years of what she called "bitterness" brought on by herself, she finally divorced her husband and learned the joy of living by seeking treatment for her traumatic experiences. She was then able to let go of her bitterness and forgave her past captors and ex-husband.

As Hanneke put it, "forgiveness does not have to mean that we have to be ‘matey (i.e. friendly)’ with those who have abused us". You may be wrongfully hurt by a person but forgiveness does not mean forgetting what was done to you or taking the blame yourself. What it does mean is that you can learn to lessen the impact of negative emotions on your physical and mental health, and also on your anxiety.

Instructions:

Leading researchers on forgiveness and happiness have developed the REACH process for arriving at forgiveness, even under the most traumatic of events. REACH is designed for you to heal yourself, and no one else’s, not for the person who caused the pain, or even for people who support your forgiveness efforts. Whatever the pain at the hands of another, try to use the REACH process to find forgiveness and free your mind to accept greater pleasure and happiness. REACH is:

1. Recall: Recall the events which caused the pain and try to do so in an objective, non-judgemental way. Keep neutral feelings towards the person who caused the pain but remember the events as they were. You may feel anger, bitterness, regret or even panic as you recall the event, but your main goal is to look at the event as it happened, not how you feel should have happened.
2. Empathize: Although it may be difficult, try to think of reasons why the person who caused the pain did what was done. It may be something you would do, too, if you were in his or her shoes. Would you have done the same, be it out of desperation, poverty, insecurity, or self-hate? If the intention was to hurt you, could it be that it was thought to be helping you? Although the person who hurt you may deserve your negative judgments, take a moment to consider what could have been the motivation.
3. Altruism (selflessness): This may be even harder for you, particularly when you may still be feeling the pain. Give the gift of forgiveness to the person who caused the pain. Be generous with your thoughts and feelings of forgiveness, in the same spirit you were forgiven for a mistake or past pain you caused someone else. Give it freely, with no resentment attached. If you still feel resentment and bitterness, the gift of forgiveness will not set you free. It is when you whole-heartedly forgive that you may begin to feel your mind and body less burdened and less strained.
4. Commit: Once you have attained the feelings of forgiveness, commit yourself to an act of openly  forgiving the person who caused you pain. You can approach that person directly and say that you have forgiven him/her. If this is not possible, write and send a letter of forgiveness. If this is not even do-able, then write it for yourself, or tell someone close to you about your commitment to forgiveness. The feelings of physical and mental release when you first gave forgiveness can be long lasting if you commit to it.
5. Hold: Hold onto the forgiveness you have attained, even when memories of the painful event may re-surface (which they will). Although this is one of the most difficult steps, remind yourself that you have come so far already on this journey: you have managed to let go of the pain, bitterness and resentment, and have looked at the more positive side of the event, and hitherto have now allowed the happiness into your life. Hold on to the thought that the person who hurt you will not be there to bring you down anymore.

Savouring Pleasure

Researchers have documented the beneficial effects of savouring the pleasure we have in our lives. They noted that many people are already familiar with recognising the pleasure that comes from major changes or events, like a wedding, buying the dream car, or going on vacation. However, they often take the happiness that comes from a calm and tranquil life for granted, and disregard the stressors.

Savouring can be defined as consciously enjoying the moment as it happens, using all the senses to take in the pleasure. It is really quite simple - slow down, and just enjoy the moment. Focus on what you hear, feel, smell and even see at that moment. Try not to be too preoccupied in having to look out for every moment of possible pleasure. If something brings you joy in the moment, savour it and remember it.

The following few options may help to enhance your enjoyment of pleasure, and savour it with all of your senses to bring about a little bit of happiness:

1. Sharing the Pleasure:  Involve someone, a group, team or partner to share a pleasurable activity – activities with not necessarily an end-goal in mind. For example:
• if you enjoy reading in the park, bring a friend along and discuss your latest books；
• if you enjoy having tea at your favourite cafe, invite your sister or brother to come with you.
2. Memory-building: Take mental pictures, or even buy a souvenir to remember an event, or share the pleasant experience with others.
• if you watched a good movie at the cinema, save the ticket stub to later remind yourself what fun you had watching it with your cousin (or it could be a DVD with a friend).
• if you took a trip to a seaside with your family, keep a seashell or buy a t-shirt to remember the vacation.
3. Self-congratulation: Enjoy other people’s positive acknowledgement of your achievements, their congratulations and their encouragement.
4. Sharpen perceptions: Focus only on the positive aspects of the pleasurable event and enjoy them by blocking out any unrelated thoughts. For example, you may notice some faults on your favourite pillow, or a hint of bitterness in your tea, or you may block out the noisy street outside your kitchen window or the phone ringing in the other room, but whatever it is, all these finer details are just part of the experience, and focusing on the right ones will help you identify what you really wish to savour.
5. Absorption: Allow all your senses to fully absorb the pleasurable moment. Instead of thinking ahead or comparing it to other events, let your senses take its course. If you are in your aunt's garden:
• What do you smell?
• What do you hear?
• What are you holding or touching? Enjoy the peacefulness and the beauty she has created.
• Take a moment to smell the flowers.
• Touch the leaves.
• Close your eyes and ‘listen to the quiet world’.
6. Single-tasking: Single-tasking is choosing just one of the many activities you normally would multitask and focusing on that one task until it is accomplished.
• Instead of eating while reading and answering emails, finish and enjoy your meal first.
• If you are having your lunch, take your time to savour the freshness and flavours of the vegetables or the bread first before you read the emails, but not both at the same time!
• You may find that you will get more pleasure out of that sandwich and have more stamina for the work ahead.
7. Simplify: Having too many options or too many possessions around us may blind you from appreciating what you already have. Try to simplify what you need, or minimise your choices to make for easier decisions. You may find you have more room mentally to see the good things you already have. 
• Instead of trying to decide what to wear every morning, why not try and make Tuesday a 'skirt day' or Wednesdays a 'slacks day' so that you do not have to go through your complete wardrobe.
• Instead of trying to fit a desk or install computer equipment in your bedroom, why not just make your room a place of rest and sleep, and use another part of the house for work.

Daily Emotion Reports

Daily emotion reports are a way to enable you to spend time to appreciate the joy you have in your life. Much like gratitude journaling which helps you to recognize the different events that you can be thankful for, jotting down pleasurable moments you experienced during the day will help you to focus on the joy instead of the stress. You can relive the pleasure of that moment again as you write, and bring about your own daily dose of happiness.

1. In a notebook, write down the moments of pleasure you experienced during your day. They can be as simple as the first sip of morning tea or coffee, or a tasty sandwich at lunch, or kissing your spouse, or being greeted enthusiastically by your pet.
2. If you had a big moment during the day, list that down too!
3. Use all of your senses to describe the pleasurable moment so you can better savour and reminisce. How did that first cup of tea smell?
• Was it warm, hot, or just the right temperature for you?
• Did you add honey, sugar or lemon?
• How did you feel after that first sip?
• Did it make you feel, energized, calm, and relaxed?
4. Write everything down, no matter how small the detail. Do this once a day, and write down anything that brought you joy or pleasure. Those pleasurable moments are just for you and you alone, so enjoy!

Minimizing Choices

The illusion of choice often hinders our ability to savour pleasure in our everyday lives. If we become preoccupied with all of our options and under pressure to make the best choice possible, we could lose sight of what we wanted in the first place. It is unrealistic to think that the choice we make would magically solve all our problems and take us to the height of happiness.

Have you not found that often enough, after we acquired a brand new car or a new mobile phone with all the best features and accessories that the happiness soon wears off, and how disappointed we felt with the choice we made after a while? Minimizing choices can lessen your concerns with choice and leave room to appreciate what you already have in your life that brings you joy. A maximiser spends time to find the best possible solution, and being a maximiser is not too bad, as it can help you to make good decisions about the more important things in life - like who should be your doctor, what classes and schedule to go for, or whether a new pet would be good for you and your family.

Knowing how, where and when to best use your ability to choose would help foster pleasure, happiness and minimise unwanted stress. There are two simple exercises you can use to achieve this.

1. The Choice Diet

   The choice diet can help you minimize the number of choices and decisions you need to make, be they large or small. For everyday decisions that are fairly ordinary (e.g. what dish to order at a restaurant, which pair of socks to wear with your new shoes, whether you want the new toaster in red, white, or black), confine yourself to only 1 or 2 options to select from.

   For more important matters, be firm and respectful of the decision you have made:

   • If you were offered a job from the company you were after, look at all the options, and should you decide to accept the job, do it and then move on.
   • If you have bought that new mobile phone, and you have tested it and if it works, then keep it and forget about returning it in 30 days.

   Be confident in your decision-making, and look forward to enjoying your new job and your new phone. You may feel that you did not take enough time to decide and that the decision was rather hastily made, but it is fine to feel good and that has to be a good choice.

2. Choosing When to Choose

   Now that you have saved time and stress on the small matters, you should be able to recognise and handle the more important ones when they come along, and where your maximizing skills will need to be used. These may involve:

   • a major medical or financial decision - if surgery is your best option or the home you are buying；
   • a major medical procedure - get a second opinion, and find out as much information as possible, be it online, from the doctor or from others who have had the procedure.

It is important to be a maximiser when you are dealing with matters concerning your health or finances, as the decisions you make are long term and life-impacting. Much like the small decisions, you may still worry whether you have made the right one or the best one. Yes, it is good to take a step back, but you need to feel good once you have decided, and welcome the positive benefits from that decision.